How to rebuild trust in a relationship: evidence-based steps
Rebuilding trust is possible, but it is not quick or automatic. Here is what research says about how to do it — and when it is better not to try.
Rebuilding trust requires three conditions: genuine acknowledgment of the harm by whoever caused it, sustained transparency over time, and a safe space to process the pain for whoever was hurt. Researcher Shirley Glass describes the process as "rebuilding the wall" brick by brick — there are no shortcuts. Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), has the best evidence for cases of infidelity.
What trust is (and why it is so fragile)
Trust is not a single thing: it is a set of expectations about the other person's behavior. Psychologist John Gottman describes it as "the certainty that the other will choose to act in your interest, especially when it costs them something." It is fragile because one action can contradict it, but rebuilding requires many consistent actions over time.
There are different types of trust breaches: from sexual or emotional infidelity to repeated lies, financial secrets, or chronic broken promises. The repair process varies by type and severity, but the principles are similar.
Research-backed steps
The model from researcher Shirley Glass (expert on infidelity) and Sue Johnson's EFT converge on several key elements:
- Full acknowledgment: whoever caused the harm must recognize it without minimizing ("it was a mistake") or justifying ("but you also…"). Half-hearted apologies reopen the wound.
- Active transparency: do not wait to be asked; proactively share relevant information during the rebuilding period.
- Consistency over time: trust is rebuilt through hundreds of small actions that say "you can count on me," not through one grand gesture.
- Space for pain: the person who was hurt needs to be able to express pain — multiple times — without the other getting defensive or pleading to "just get over it."
What research says (indicative data)
How long does it take?
There is no fixed number. Studies on recovery after infidelity document processes of 1 to 3 years for couples who succeed. Other types of trust breaches — less severe lies or secrets — can be resolved in months with consistent work.
A real sign of progress is not the absence of pain, but the ability to have good moments without guilt and bad moments without spiraling. Researcher Kristin Mullen describes this as "windows of trust": increasingly longer periods in which doubt does not take center stage.
When rebuilding is not possible (or not the answer)
There are situations in which trying to rebuild trust can be counterproductive or even harmful:
- If whoever caused the harm does not acknowledge it, or chronically minimizes it.
- If the pattern repeats: the betrayal was not an isolated mistake but a habit.
- If there is violence, control, or fear — in that case the priority is safety, not rebuilding.
- If only one of you wants to rebuild.
Separating is not failure: sometimes it is the most honest decision for both. A professional can help make that decision with greater clarity.
- Glass, S. — Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity (2003)
- Johnson, S. — Hold Me Tight (2008) — EFT and betrayal
- Fincham, F. D. & May, R. W. — Infidelity in Romantic Relationships (2017), Current Opinion in Psychology
Frequently asked questions
Can you trust again after infidelity?
Yes, in many cases. Studies show that around 55% of couples who go through infidelity and work through the process report satisfactory rebuilding. Therapy significantly improves that figure.
How much time needs to pass before trusting again?
There is no fixed timeline. It is more useful to look at qualitative indicators: are there consistent actions? Is there genuine acknowledgment? Does pain decrease over time, even if it does not disappear?
Does distrust always come from something the other person did?
Not always. Sometimes distrust has roots in past experiences (anxious attachment styles, previous betrayals). In that case, individual work is also part of the process.
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