Conflict style test for couples
It's not whether you fight, but how. 8 questions inspired by Gottman's research to measure how healthy your conflict style really is.
For Dr. Gottman, the strongest predictor of breakup isn't conflict frequency but the presence of the "Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. This conflict style quiz measures four pillars of healthy conflict — repair, absence of contempt, active listening, and effective pauses — and gives a 0–100 score. The higher, the healthier your dynamic.
What does research say about couple conflict?
Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples and found that fighting doesn't predict breakup — what does is the presence of contempt (the most toxic of the "Four Horsemen"), the absence of repair, and emotional flooding without a pause. "Master" couples don't avoid conflict: they know how to leave it with dignity.
This quiz translates those findings into 8 questions. It's not a diagnosis — it's a tool for reflection.
How your result is calculated
Each answer adds to a total and to four dimensions: repair, no contempt, active listening, and effective pauses. The score is the percentage of the maximum. The lowest-scoring dimensions point to the pillar most in need of attention.
All the quiz questions
Does contempt (mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling) appear when you fight?
After a big fight, do you seek to repair the bond?
When your partner speaks in an argument, how well do you listen?
Can you call a time-out when the discussion gets too heated?
When you fight, do you attack the problem or the person?
Do you actually resolve issues, or do the same ones keep coming back?
Do you feel your partner understands your point of view, even if they disagree?
After a fight, is there genuine reconciliation (apology, gesture, humor)?
- The Gottman Institute — the Four Horsemen and repair
- Gottman, J. & Silver, N. — The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Gottman, J. (1994). What Predicts Divorce. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Frequently asked questions
Does fighting a lot mean we're doing badly?
No. Conflict frequency predicts little about relationship success. What matters is the how: without contempt, with listening, and with repair afterward.
What is contempt and why is it so damaging?
For Gottman, contempt — mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling — communicates moral superiority over the partner. It's the strongest single predictor of breakup.
How do we call a pause without it seeming like avoidance?
Set a specific time: 'I need 20 minutes to calm down and then we'll come back to it.' A healthy pause includes the promise to return to the topic.
What about your relationship?
Take the quiz and discover your compatibility, communication, and future in minutes.